📈 Portfolio Performance Dashboard
CATASTROPHICTotal Invested
$2,400+
Current Value
$0.00
ROI
-100%
Times Roasted
∞
⚠ INVESTOR ALERT:
Bakeray's portfolio has underperformed the S&P 500, Bitcoin, a savings account, and a jar of coins hidden in a sock drawer.
🎨 The "Collection"
Below is a comprehensive catalog of Bakeray's NFT investments, lovingly documented so that future generations may learn from his mistakes.
🙈 Bored Ape Knockoff #48271
Collection: Some collection that rug-pulled
Paid: $2,400
Worth: $0.00
The crown jewel of the collection. A procedurally generated ape wearing a fedora. Bakeray believed this would fund his retirement. The marketplace it was listed on no longer exists.
🌱 CryptoKush #420
Collection: "Revolutionary cannabis NFTs"
Paid: $350
Worth: $0.00
Of course he bought an NFT with weed in the name. The "utility" was supposed to be access to a virtual dispensary in the metaverse. The metaverse does not exist.
⚔ Pixel Sword #1337
Collection: "Gaming NFTs that will change everything"
Paid: $175
Worth: $0.00
Was supposed to be usable in an upcoming blockchain MMORPG. The game was never released. The Discord server was deleted. The developers are "pursuing other opportunities."
🚀 MoonRocket Pass
Collection: "To the moon! (narrator: it did not go to the moon)"
Paid: $500
Worth: $0.00
A "membership pass" to an exclusive crypto community. The community was 14 people in a Telegram group. Three of them were bots. The "founder" was a 19-year-old in his mom's basement.
📅 The Five Stages of Bakeray's NFT Grief
| Stage | Phase | Bakeray's Words | Reality |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1. Euphoria | Purchase Day | "yo i just bought this sick NFT" | Down 10% within the hour |
| 2. Denial | Month 1-3 | "its a long-term hold bro" | Down 60%. Floor price evaporating. |
| 3. Bargaining | Month 4-6 | "the utility is coming... they announced a roadmap" | Roadmap was a JPEG. Of a road. |
| 4. Depression | Month 7-12 | "..." | Marketplace delisted. Discord deleted. |
| 5. "word" | Month 12+ | "word" | Has achieved transcendence through total loss. |
🔥 Hall of Roasts
RELENTLESSEvery time Bakeray gets online, this is what happens:
hey ray how are those NFTs doing
man shut up lmao
bro you spent more on a monkey jpg than my car payment
remember when ray told us NFTs were the future
the future of losing money maybe
its not a loss until you sell
YOU CANT SELL BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS THEM
i just right-click saved rays entire NFT collection. cost me $0.00
thats not how it works
no it literally is how it works
💰 Things Bakeray Could Have Bought Instead
| Item | Cost | Would It Still Have Value? |
|---|---|---|
| 4 years of WoW subscription | $720 | Yes (memories at least) |
| 160 bags of premium snacks | $800 | Yes (caloric value) |
| A decent gaming chair | $400 | Yes |
| A plane ticket to visit literally any of his friends | $300 | Yes |
| 2,400 items from the McDonald's dollar menu | $2,400 | Temporarily |
| His NFT collection | $2,400+ | No. Absolutely not. Never. |
💬 Comments (3)
Sylv
Posted every single day
▲ 999
I will never stop bringing this up. Ever. This is my retirement hobby.
Posted yesterday
The funniest part is he STILL hasn't admitted it was a bad idea. He just goes "lmao" and changes the subject. King behavior honestly.
Posted reluctantly
word